If Purim Were Today OR: Purim in 2008

A Purim Spiel by (some of) the 4th grade students of the Congregation Beth El Religious School in Bethesda, Maryland

Originally posted at:
http://www.jewneric.com/2008/03/19/if-purim-were-today-or-purim-in-2008/

If Purim Were Today
A Spiel by (some of) the 4th Grade Students of the Congregation Beth El Religious School in Bethesda, Maryland

President Achashverosh –
Vice President Haman –
Zeresh —
Mordechai –
Esther –
Guards –
President's Assistant –

SCENE 1:

Zeresh: Hi, Haman (every time Haman's name is mentioned, everyone on stage and off boos loudly, including Haman, who has an increasingly annoyed look on his face each time), sweetie, how was work today?

Vice President Haman: Oh, it was really good. President Achashverosh is throwing a huge party. It’s gonna last for 187 days.

Zeresh: Oh, wow, that’s quite a party! What’s it for?

VP H: Well, we won the war in Iraq. Now Achashverosh is President of 127 countries!

***

SCENE 2:

President Achashverosh: Hey, Haman (boos), how’s the party?

Vice President Haman: It’s going great! You know what would make this party even better? You should have First Lady Vashti come down in her bikini and do that thing she did last time! It was really funny!

Pres. A: That was really funny! We should totally do that! Call her up on your cell and tell her.
(Haman pulls out cell phone and presses speed dial. Wait for one ring and then start talking): Hi, Madam First Lady? This is Haman (boos). The president wants you to come down to the party in your bikini and do that thing you did last time. It was really funny! What? But, you have to! The president wants you to!
(Turns to Achashverosh.) Um, Mr. President, she hung up.

Pres. A: What? She can’t do that to me! I’m the president!

VP H: You need to do something about that. You can’t let her get away with this. Send her to Guantanamo Bay.

***

SCENE 3:

President Achashverosh: Hey, Haman (boos). Wow, am I hung-over. I can’t even see straight. Where’s Vashti?

Vice President Haman: Uh, Mr. President, you sent her to Guantanamo Bay. When she got there, she was killed by a guard dog.

Pres. A: Oh, man. That’s not good. What am I going to do for a wife? I need breakfast.

VP H: OK, sir. Here’s what you do. You send out invitations to your 3rd inaugural ball, and have all the good looking, smart, college-educated women come to D.C. to meet you and see if you want to marry any of them.

Pres. A: That’s a great idea! But, Haman (boos), do me a favor. Don’t invite any girls from Yale. They know me there. I don’t think they like me very much.

***

SCENE 4:

Mordechai: Hey, Esther. I’m so glad you’re home from college. Your report card came. You got all A’s. Your parents would be so proud of you!

Esther: Thanks, Uncle Mordechai. Hey, you know what I heard? All the pretty and smart girls are being invited to the White House to try out to be President Achashverosh’s new wife. How lame is that? There’s no way I would go, even if I were invited.

Mordechai: Yeah, funny thing about that. You got invited. It turns out you actually have to go whether you want to or not. It’s part of the military draft bill Congress passed last year.

Esther: Do I really have to?

Mordechai: Yeah, I’m afraid so. But, just remember one thing. Don’t tell anyone you’re Jewish. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. People in Washington act like they’re open minded to other people’s religions, but you never know how they really feel.

Esther: Hmm, OK.

***

SCENE 5:

Mordechai (on his cell phone): Oh, wow! I don’t even know if I should be happy or upset. President Achashverosh chose you? That’s really incredible. Well, just remember what I said. Don’t tell him you’re Jewish, OK?

Guard #1: Yo, bud. The boss man says we gotta kill Achashverosh tomorrow night.Guard #2: Alright. Send him a text message that we’ll do it.

(Guard #1 begins texting on cell phone)

Mordechai (on cell phone): Oh, wow, Esther! You’ll never believe what I just heard! Two of Achashverosh’s guards just said they’re planning to kill him! Yeah, you gotta tell the president!

***

SCENE 6:

Vice President Haman: (Walking down the street with Zeresh, sees Mordechai walking casually): Excuse me. Excuse me. You, there.

Mordechai: Me?

VP H: Yeah, you. You should know by now, the president signed a new law that says that everyone has to bow down to the vice president.

Mordechai: Yeah, I know. See, I’m Jewish. We only bow down to G-d, not to people. Sorry. (Walks away)

VP H: Ugh! I’ll kill him!

Zeresh: I know you don’t mean that.

VP H: You’re right. I’m just so…

Zeresh: I think you should do it.

VP H: What?

Zeresh: You should kill him. Don’t you know who that is? He’s the Secretary of Judaism. He used to be the Chief Rabbi of Bethesda until President Achashverosh conquered the State of Maryland. Then, of course, the president realized Maryland was already part of the U.S. But that’s not the point! He’s the head of the Jews in D.C. now. You have to kill him and all the rest of the Jews. He’ll ruin your career if you don’t.

***

SCENE 7:

Vice President Haman: Mr. President, I need to talk to you.

President Achashverosh: Sure, Haman (boos). What do you need?

VP H: I need your permission to pass a new law that declares all Jews “Enemy Combatants.”

Pres. A: You want to send all the Jews to Guantanamo Bay? Why?

VP H: They were behind 9/11!

Pres. A: What?!

VP H: It’s true. I read it on the internet. Antisemite.com says the Jews who worked in the World Trade Center didn’t show up for work that day!

Pres. A: Well, if it’s on the internets it must be true!

VP H: Um, Mr. President, it’s “internet.”

Pres. A: That’s what I said. Internets.

VP H: Internet.

Pres. A: Internets.

VP H: INTERNET.

Pres. A: INTERNETS.

VP H: Inter.

Pres. A: Inter.

VP H: Net.

Pres. A: Net.

VP H: Internet.

Pres A: Internets.

VP H: Oy, vey.

***

SCENE 8:

Esther: Uncle Mordechai, you want me to talk to President Achashverosh? But he doesn’t let people into the Oval Office unless they’re invited.

Mordechai: You have to. We need you to. Otherwise we’ll all be sent to Guantanamo Bay next Adar 14th! Listen. You were chosen to be First Lady for a reason. If you won’t help save the Jews, we’ll be saved some other way, but you will wish you had helped.

Esther: OK, I’ll do it.

***

SCENE 9:

President’s Assistant: And that was the day Mordechai saved your life!

President Achashverosh: Did we do anything for him, like throw a party or a parade or anything? Go call Haman (boos)!

(Haman Enters)

Haman (boos), how would you honor a man that has done a great deed?

Vice President Haman: Well, I would put him in the President’s limo, give him the President’s best clothes to wear, and parade him down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Pres. A: Good, good. Do all that for Mordechai, ok?

Haman: (Makes a face and grunting sound. Then, miserably): Yes, Mr. President.

***

SCENE 10:

(At the door to the Oval Office)

Esther: Mr. Achasvherosh, may I come in?

President Achashverosh: You may enter. What do you want, Esther? You can have anything – up to half of the White House.

Esther: Would you and Haman (boos) like to join me in a private party I’m throwing tomorrow?

Pres. A: Sure!

***

SCENE 11:

Vice President Haman: This is a great party. Wow, 2 parties 2 days in a row! I thought yesterday’s party was good, but today’s is great!

Esther: Thanks, Haman (boos). By the way, Achashverosh, Haman (boos) here is trying to get me deported. Thought you’d like to know.

President Achashverosh: What? Guard! Send him to Gitmo!!

THE END